Why Sharing Is Stupid

Lots of my parents say things to me like, "I want Johnny to learn how to share." I'm almost positive I said the same thing to my son's preschool teacher. However, when you are two or three and just starting to hang out with other children, sharing is stupid.

In my classroom, we got three brand new trucks this year. They are beautiful wooden trucks with ladders and removable trailers. As a tiny person who enjoys wheeled vehicles, the best thing is to have all three trucks to yourself. It's a no-brainer. So, if an adult-like-teacher-person comes over to you and says, "Don't you want to share a truck with Kacey?", the correct answer would be, "No. I do not." Why? You got it , because sharing is stupid. It is better to have all three trucks than just two trucks. It's simple mathematics. 3 > 2.

Let me clarify something important here. The fact that Johnny doesn't want to share doesn't mean he is mean or selfish or a budding sociopath. Not at all. Relax, Johnny is fine. He is a tiny person, and he is operating well within the rules of tiny people. In the land of tiny-people-who-are-just-figuring-out-how-to-interact-with-children-their-own-age, sharing is stupid.

Now some of you might say, "But Johnny has been in daycare since he was a year old, he should know how to share by now." This makes perfect sense for adult endeavors. For example, the fact that I took two years of Spanish should mean that I know more Spanish than I did two years ago (I will say nada mas about this). The fact is that tiny people aren't developmentally ready to share before they are two or three (or even four or five). Prior to that time, other people are merely there to make sure that tiny people survive.

Squirrel*: Scientists have a theory, which I will call the "Cuteness T* In the context of the blog, a squirrel is a momentary distraction from what I am suppose to be talking about. For those of you who know me, these will come as no surprise. For those who don't, the original reference comes from the movie, Up (which is a great movie, that you should see, if you haven't). This actually represents a squirrel within a squirrel, or a squirrel squared...Anyway, what were we talking about?




Teeny tiny people are egocentric. They are focused on getting their needs met. They want love and snuggling, they want to eat, they want you to assist them with cleanliness and waste removal. Other children are interesting, sometimes entertaining, often in the way. As tiny people get less teeny, other children become more interesting. They are fun to play next to. They frequently have intriguing ideas about things to do with toys, that can be mimicked. They often want the same toys at the same time. In this case, teeny tiny people sometimes feel that clocking the offending child with the desired toy is a good solution.

Developmentally, this brings us right up to the stage where sharing is stupid. So, at the beginning of the year in my classroom, sharing is not a popular activity. Trucks (or blocks or books or dolls) are held tightly and are often the center of push-me-pull-you matches. Sometimes, what I'm tempted to do is to get right into the fray. After all, I have an incredible height and strength advantage that will almost always allow me to gain possession of the desired object without even breaking a sweat. This effectively ends the argument and I get the truck. Win-Win, right? Well, turns out it teaches the tiny people nothing about sharing. What is does teach them is NOT to ask a grown-up for help, and to fight more quietly, so as not to attract adult attention.

So, I try to resist the temptation to take the toy. Instead, I do a couple of other things. First, I make sure that they are not actually dismembering one another. Next, I help them put into words what each of them wants and feels. Then, I encourage them to find a solution. I'll talk more about this whole process at a later date. For now, I want to reassure you that there is a stage that follows the "Sharing is Stupid" stage. It is a most wondorous thing that happens in my classroom every year.

It's not that the trucks become less valuable or less coveted. In fact, they may become even cooler as the year progresses. What the tiny people start to realize is that playing with the trucks is way more fun when they play with another tiny person. And, in order to get another tiny person to play with them, they have to share. Even if sharing is stupid.

Tiny People and the Theory of Relativity

It is 7:45am. Your tiny person is dressed and at the table, happily eating their Cheerios. You say to them, "Eat up, we have to leave in 10 minutes." They appear to have heard you. You go and finish up your preparations to leave.

Time passes. You return to gather up your tiny person.

He or she has not finished their Cheerios. In fact, they have spilled the Cheerios and its accompanying milk all over something that you needed for your job, or the cat. Your tiny person is no longer dressed to leave. They have removed both their shoes and socks (which have mysteriously disappeared), and replaced the matching outfit that they were wearing with a costume of their own design...and some kind of face paint. Your tiny person is smiling at you expectantly, awaiting the applause they believe will be forthcoming from you. And you would clap, really you would, if you weren't now going to be HORRIBLY LATE FOR WORK! Part of you (granted, the irrational part) suspects that your tiny person does this sort of thing to you every morning in an ongoing plot to drive you insane.

This lack of a shared sense of time, I truly believe, is one of the greatest sources of friction between tiny people and their un-tiny caregivers. The relationship of Tiny People Time (TPT) to Grown People Time (GPT), is a complex one - best expressed in intricate mathematical symbology. Whereas:

TPT(Infinity) : GPT(Urgency)*

As you can see,  the tiny person's sense of time as infinite is directly related to the grown person's sense of temporal urgency. What this means (for those of you not as adept at math as I), is that when you are trying to get somewhere at nearly the speed of sound, your tiny person is actually going backwards in time. This is really the only logical explanation for why they seem less ready to go as time goes on.*

*Squirrel: Einstein showed that gravity makes time run more slowly. Thus airplane passengers, flying where Earth’s pull is weaker, age a few extra nano­seconds each flight. It only follows that tiny people, who exist closer to the center of gravity, actually march to a slower drumbeat.

Interestingly, it is possible to create a sense of urgency in tiny people, as anyone who has ever strapped one into a car seat can attest. In fact, by simply restricting the free movement of a tiny person, their sense of time actually far surpasses that of the grown people around them. Minutes become hours, and their need for time to speed up is often expressed in a high pitched, frantic whining tone. In the car, it sounds something like this:

ARE WE THERE? ARE WE THERE?

HOW MUCH LOOOOOONGER?

It seems that, just when you want your tiny person to be all zen and in the moment, they suddenly develop a need for speed. You've barely picked up the first item on your grocery list and your tiny person is finished with the whole shopping experience. "Here Comes the Bride," has just begun to play at your niece's wedding when your tiny person begins to express an urgent need to be elsewhere. Unfortunately, despite years of research and effort, no one has found a way to calibrate Tiny People Time and Grown People Time. It simply cannot be done.

So, I hear you muttering impatiently, "What can we do?" Well, as a parent, sometimes what I do is get impatient and irritable. I'm not proud of it, but it is reality. There are times when you simply can't be late, and when you realize that you are going to be (while your tiny person sings happily on the toilet), it is maddening.

OK, so apart from letting yourself off the hook for occasional moments of imperfection, there are a few strategies that I have found helpful. They are as follows:

1. Whenever possible, allow for extra time - particularly in the mornings. Contrary to popular belief (and possibly to what I just said), tiny people are not acting in direct opposition to your need to hurry. Often, they are reacting to the fact that, in your hurry to get ready to go, you are not paying attention to them. Think about it. Once you get them dressed and fed, you are often off getting other things done in preparation to leave. It only makes sense that, if your tiny person wants to get back on your morning radar, all they have to do is not eat and get undressed. So, if you can, get your stuff done first and their stuff done last, and do it with them. A few minutes less sleep and a relaxed breakfast with your tiny person beats a little more sleep and a tearful power struggle.


2. Break time and activities into tiny people increments. Remember, tiny people live mostly in the moment or, sometimes, a moment from now. Stuff that's going to happen in an hour, or even a half hour is just not relevant, and certainly not motivating. So, for example, if you say, "Come on, you have to be at school in a half hour!", they do not care. They may love school, they just don't love a half hour. So, try this: "Hurry! We must get out to the driveway before the dolphins swim by!" or "Oh my goodness, the car has turned into a rocket ship, and it's going to take off in 10-9-8....!!!" I have found that the more ridiculously exciting the hurry-up proclamation, the more giggley-speedily-happily the tiny person will get on board. Or, you can tell them that, no matter what, they are NOT to follow you to the car (I find reverse psychology an underutilized resource). Or race them. The point is, make the place/time that is the goal something understandably and nearly immediately, and hopefully pleasantly attainable. You don't have to be silly about it, but why not?


3. Offer choices. You can make these choices about things that have to happen: "After we get your shoes and socks on, do you want to help me pour the cereal or get the spoons out?" Mostly, tiny people like to be helpful, especially if they get to do it with you. Choices can also be about fun things to do once they get somewhere: "When we get in the car, do you want to listen to music or play a game?" (If you don't know any car games, you're missing out. Make some up or find some resources like, http://www.momsminivan.com/toddlers.html ).


4. Remember what it was like to be a tiny person. This is just a good thing to do for many reasons, but especially when you're asking a tiny person to do something that takes FOREVER (like a long car ride or sitting through your cousins Bar Mitzvah ceremony). Take breaks. Take fun things to do. Take a minute to explain what's going to happen next ("Look, they're going to get the big scroll out from the secret hiding place." or "Alright, now we are looking for a giant green bridge.")

These are just a few ideas. You probably have some of your own. You could share them...if you don't think sharing is stupid...and if you have the time...or can make the time...or take the time...or block off some time...or take time in a bottle....or if you have time on your hands...or...what are we talking about?  Oh yeah, Time. It's all relative. So take the time to be silly. Laugh, at yourself and with the tiny people*. 

*Squirrel #2: Try this. Say any random word, like it's the punchline of
a joke, to a tiny person (most any word works, although words containing "k's" and "z's" seem to be particularly effective for some reason), and then start to laugh hysterically. Nine times out of 10, the tiny person will start laughing, too. They can't help it. And, if you keep doing it, you can induce fall down, rolling on the floor, can-hardly-breath, hysterical laughter. But don't do it when you have to be somewhere, or you'll be horribly late.

The fact of the matter is that there are times when we all have to hurry and we have to be thinking ahead - its an unfortunate side-effect of grown-uppedness. I also know that, when you can, you should set your watch to Tiny People Time. Sometimes this very moment is just where you need to be.

Wise Words

When we adults think of children there is a simple truth that we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life; childhood is life. A child isn’t getting ready to live; a child is living. No child will miss the zest and joy of living unless these are denied by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is a period of preparation. How much heartache we would save ourselves if we would recognize children as partners with adults in the process of living, rather than always viewing them as apprentices. How much we could teach each other; we have the experience and they have the freshness. How full both our lives could be. ~ John Taylor (Notes on an Unhurried Journey)

When You Find Yourself in a Tug of War...

...you always have the option to drop the rope. Granted, sometimes the rope is important and you need to hang on. However, as far as tiny people are concerned, most things are not worth a full on battle. Either the issue is just not that critical, or there are other ways to bring them over to your side, that don't involve pulling them through the metaphorical mud.

Now, tiny people are generally NOT aware of the dropping option. In fact, this week I had two friends yanking with all of their might on either side of a toy grocery cart. Crouching down and with my best teacher voice I observed, "Wow, both of you really want that shopping cart."
"Uh-huh," they agreed, grunting with effort.
"What are you going to do?" I asked.
After a pause, the older of the two, we'll call him William, recited, "We could share!"
Given that neither had decreased the intensity of their pulling with this revelation, I asked, "Well, how does that work?"
Wisely, William said, "I get it, and then he gets it."
The other child, who we'll call Paul, vehemently disagreed with the order of this proposed solution.
"You both want it first." I noted, "What are you going to do now?"
At which point, William said, "I," yank "will," yank "pull," yank "HARDER!"

OK, so my kids are still trying to figure out how all of this works, and that's what they're supposed to be doing. However, I find that tiny people are often able to elicit the same kind of futile yanking in the adults around them. Frankly, they tap into our need to control things. They seem so out of control much of the time. They make a great deal of noise. They may scream with no warning and for no apparent reason. They have been known to burst into song without the least provocation. They move about too quickly - often in jumping, darting ways. And they like to touch stuff. Stuff that can spill. Stuff that can break. Stuff that was beautifully arranged. YOUR stuff.

Their ways are alien and unnerving. At times, they talk and they talk, but THEY MAKE NO SENSE! What is worse, when you talk to them, they often seem not to hear or comprehend.

Is it any wonder they bring out our need to control?

However, I have discovered something important. There is a Direct Inverse Relationship between the Amount of Control I am trying to exert and the Amount of Fun occurring around me.

Now I can hear a few of you Very Serious Grown Up Responsible Types muttering about "Anarchy" and "Someone Needing to Be In Charge." I am not suggesting we dive headlong into Chaos. Au contraire! In fact, I am proposing that a bit of forethought and some advanced planning can significantly decrease your need to tug on the aforementioned rope.

If you are going to be sharing time and space with some tiny people, then take a look around you from their perspective. Get down to their height. Crawl about on your knees. Lose your mental inhibitions. Think about what you would really like to do in that space if, (and this part is very important) YOU WERE NOT CONCERNED ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES! What furniture needs to be jumped on? Where are the glittery things that must be touched? Are there spillable, sprayable, smearable materials around? What does your space invite a tiny person to do in it?

Now ask yourself, "Which of these activities can I tolerate, or even enjoy?" If every single thing you believe a tiny person will want to do in your space makes your right eye start to twitch uncontrollably, then take the tiny people to a playground. Or one of those rubber rooms they have now where children can bounce and climb and scream to their hearts content. That's what those places are made for.

However, if you say to yourself, "Building a fort out of the couch cushions sounds like fun," or "I don't want them using the good china, but we have some pots and pans that they could play with," then you might be ready to share your space.

Creating spaces that decrease the need to control the tiny people is only one way of dropping the rope. And frankly, it's not always a practical one. Say you have a two and a three year old and you are suppose to go visit your Great Aunt Henrietta, who owns a massive collection of Lenox hummingbirds. DON'T GO! Really, it won't be any fun. Bring Henrietta to your house. Get a sitter. Pick her up and take her to Red Lobster (Great Aunts LOVE the cheesy biscuits!).

The point is, you are the adult. You have the ability to imagine what could happen - both good and bad - before it occurs. IT IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT DISTINGUISHES US FROM THE TINY PEOPLE.

 Oh, and once you've put away your antique porcelain dolls and the replica of the Eiffel Tower that you built out of toothpicks, get down inside that castle you built in the living room and have some fun!

Stay Tuned for my upcoming installment,
"What to Do When They've Already Finger Painted Your Motorcycle."

Stuff to Think About

Try it...it's harder than you would think!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html